Pink

Today was a painful day for me.  Call it PMS (maybe, and hopefully not), I’m just an emotional wreck.  I saw Pink.  Not pretty pink, but pink that screams “your month is over!!”  This kind of pink that taunts me every month and steals away the hope I so cautiously gathered only a few weeks before.  Me and Pink don’t get along.  We’ve become very acquainted over the past 3 years.  For some reason, Red isn’t so condescending.. but Pink teases me as one is never sure if it means our hopes and dreams are about to come true.. or that we must wait a few more days to start the cruel cycle all over again.

The anxiety of Modified Natural IVF is creeping up on me.  I am more scared of this ‘next step’ as the time gets closer and closer.  This past month has been a ‘au naturale’ cycle.  We BD’d like crazy this month (sorry TMI)… but we thought maybe doing it naturally would work, as many advisors (online and in person) have sincerely said.  Miracles happen, right?

The way Modified Natural IVF works is that it uses the eggs I produce naturally (with the help of Femara).  And my fear is that though I’ve read that ladies may produce 1-3 eggs with the help of Femara, I’ve also heard/read that not all eggs get fertilized.  I’ve shared before that my insurance covers infertility to a point.  But after that point, we’re on our own.  And just the Natural IVF will cost a pretty penny on its own.  I feel like if this doesn’t work, it will be our last hope.  Because Traditional IVF will cost at least $14,000 out of pocket, we won’t be able to take that route until we get some bills paid.  And, on Friday, I found out my husband was laid off from his job.

At this point, I don’t want to believe that God might be giving us a definitive “no” but I need to prepare my heart for the worst case scenario.  Is there hope out there? I see happy news all the time, successful IVF stories.. but I know my God gives us the final answer.. this is truly a test of my faith and I am determined to get an “A”   -Regardless of the answer.

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8 Comments

  1. Hope this is a successful pink.

    Hopefully you won’t need it, but if you still are looking into IVF once the finances settle down…try looking into the Attain IVF programs. It costs double, but I’ve read you get up to 6 cycles. 3 fresh, 3 frozen. If by the end you haven’t had a baby you get part of the money back. I doubt it covers drugs. Just something to consider.

  2. Without knowing your entire history, would it make sense to save the money you will be spending on Natural IVF and instead do a regular IVF cycle? Even if its more expensive it may give you more bang for your buck. If not, and you feel that Natural IVF is the way to go, try and take the journey one step at a time-and focus on the next cycle-and try not to worry about what is next if that doesn’t work.
    Faith is such a daily struggle for me going through this IF journey so I understand!

    • Thanks for the advice! and yes, we definitely considered saving up to do a Traditional IVF cycle instead.. but then a string of life-events happened: lost job, new central air conditioner.. etc. So since we were already approved for the Natural we decided to go for it.. Next year though we will have more options with a better health insurance 🙂 I’ll keep hoping.. and so glad us hopeful-mommies/daddies have each other in this!

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