My Dark Secret

I have been going back and forth on when I should share this.  When I started my blog, I had no doubt I would eventually share it.  In part, I have been going through a healing process the past few months and I feel this is a step towards true healing. But, most importantly, I wanted to reach out to anyone who might be going through the same thing.

Note: I will probably end up deleting this post eventually, this sensitive subject is highly confidential personally.  But something inside me is saying that someone needs to hear this.

The year 2004, was a blur. I was a single mother, just coming out of a divorce.  A young-minded 25-year-old, I felt like I was invincible.  I was on a Divorcee Honeymoon.  Having fun was my life’s goal.  Last month, 8 years ago, we had just been through 3 of 4 hurricanes.  The power was out for 4 days in this little condo. We cooked out of the fireplace.  At night, we played board games by candlelight.  I had a friend, he was just a friend.  But, was it cabin fever? Was it curiosity? I am not sure.  But it was not a relationship either of us needed to pursue.  One-night-stand.

This month, 8 years ago, I jumped up. No symptoms, nothing out of the ordinary.  I just knew, I needed to take a test. Something in me was different.  And there it was a clear and quick answer……. positive. I was pregnant.  Me, a “good girl” but already divorced, already a single mother: pregnant.  And this time, with no one to turn to.  My first thought, should I even call him?  I did. His answer, “you better take care of it.” So I did. I called the doctor. I went to a specialist, and at the time with my given diagnosis I would have been a high-risk pregnancy patient.  At that time I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus. I was severely sick in the past, and my doctor was telling me the ‘worst case scenario’ that I would be on bed rest the entire last half of the pregnancy.  I ran it through my mind, prayed, became numb, even put off the first appointment.  But I didn’t want it to draw out, I did what I thought I had to do: went to the clinic. I had an abortion.

My heart became numb, hate grew to its worst in my heart.  And I tried to forget.

See, last year, the same doctor that gave me the high-risk prognosis, took away my diagnosis of SLE.  Was I healed? Or had I not carried the disease all that time?  And for the first time in years, I realized that had he not told me I was going to be high-risk I would have kept the baby.

I said I tried to forget, yet I have not.  My unborn baby has been in the forefront of my thoughts many times through the day.  Often in my thoughts, my afterthoughts, and in my prayers.  She would have been 7, she might have shared the same birthday month as me and her eldest brother.  Sometimes I would imagine if she was with me in the car driving the kids to school.  And slowly, in the past few months, I have come to the realization that I need to let her go.  I need to let her be at peace, as she is in a much better place than I could ever have given her at that time.

I have dealt with the guilt, the sadness, the anger.  I hurt and ache, not because I am struggling now.  It’s the feeling that I would never want my children to hurt at my doing.  As much as I love my children, she would have been loved the same. I wished I could tell her that.

As I live month to month now trying to have a baby, I can’t help but wonder if I’m even worthy of the blessing, another chance. I pray, but I cringe. I am hopeful, yet cautious.

I have been seeing a lot of information on October 15th.  A day of remembrance for the Unborn Child.  For those lost in miscarriage, those who have not been conceived.  Not knowing if she fits into this day of remembrance, but I remember her… Often.  And she is my unborn child.

I am not writing this to advocate or not advocate for this sensitive subject.  My experiences have no bearing on a woman’s right to choose.  I am more writing this from an “infertile” point of view.  I want to share with you the dynamics of my darkest secret as someone who has now dealt with infertility for 3 years. 

216 thoughts on “My Dark Secret

  1. I’m so sorry for your pain–but what else would anyone have done in the same situation? No regrets. You made the best choice you could and the best choice anyone could have made. When you are a working mom, people always ask about your guilt for being away from your kids. What is it with mothers and the ability to bear children that invites all this regret? When I was “working” I made the best choice I could in the situation at hand and though not everything was perfect, I will never regret a choice that was the best it could have been. I hope you heal and I know that you will.

  2. your story brought back memories for me, i was in a similar situation, i was ‘forced’ to get an abortion by my ‘husband’ (ex),
    not once, but three times he sent me off , he only ever wanted one child,(which we had) like himself, an only (spoilt) child. he didn’t want any more after the first. but only the once was he successful, the other two were born, much to his disapproval, i don’t know if was a boy or girl, i often wonder….i have been free of this person for a long time now.

  3. You’re being too hard on yourself. You did what the right thing was at the time. Also, you aren’t even sure if you were cured of it afterwards so there is a higher probability that you made the right decision. Also, the father sounds like an ass and thats another reason why it was a good decision. whats done is done and you need to truly believe that dwelling on it is just going to hurt you, cause you stress and inevotably be counterproductive to your fertility issues. I think it’s good that you stepped out of your comfort zone and wrote this.. i’m trying to take a similar direction too.

  4. Thank you for sharing this secret of yours. Whenever we bring our secrets into the light, we step closer to healing. These other people leaving comments, saying that you’re being too hard on yourself, are totally denying the pain you’re going through, as if it weren’t real, as if it’s easy to get rid of. I just want to validate your pain: I hear you and can’t imagine what you’re going through (and have gone through). Because of this, you have an incredible story to tell. Your wounds will bring healing to others.

  5. Thank you for sharing this, I can only imagine how hard that must have been.
    No woman ever plans of having to make those sorts of decisions and no one can tell you how you will feel after.
    We make decisions at any one point in time and believe that it’s for the best.
    You are brave. You are strong.
    Lauren, xx

  6. First, There is something you should know. I worked with women in a Christian pregnancy center where they tried to help young women faced with the decision of what to do. What I liked about that place was that they treated women as women, Encouraged them to seek alternatives, supported them when they didn’t. I also learned very valuable lessons. The most important lesson being choosing to abort a pregnancy is not an easy decision, nor is it the ‘easy’ way as so many groups would lead people to believe. For most it is a gut wrenching decision that the woman carries with them the rest of their lives. It is a painful experience, emtionally and physically, but in no way does it detract from who you are as a person. We each walk our own path and we each do the best we know how.

    Second, oh how I admire your courage. Your courage to make the decision, the courage to share with the world. I’m sure that not one, but many have benefitted from this post. I know it is sort of like standing in the street naked to share something like this. It opens you up to much discussion and criticism. That is the beauty of what we do. My hope for you is that sharing this was as big of a blessing for you as it is for everyone who reads it (whether or not they realize it).

    Lastly, how terrific you find youself in a position to have a baby! I am so happy for you and the place you have found in your life. May all your dreams come true!

    Thank you, truly, for sharing such a deeply personal event in your life.

  7. Because I am walking this same path, but for different reasons, my heart breaks for you…

    I’m a single mother too…My son is seven-years-old – I was pregnant during those same storms… His older brother would have been twenty now…his sister almost twelve… Their father didn’t want any of them, but God gave me the courage and grace to see my third pregnancy through to its blessed completion…There is hope and healing for you… God is not angry with you… I am SO PROUD of you for breaking the paralytic power of shame by speaking your truth!

    I have done a post-abortive bible study called “Forgiven and Set Free” that was very healing…there is a program called “Surrendering the Secret” on Facebook that may help you… I still struggle with guilt sometimes, especially when my son complains that he is alone – he should not be.

    I encourage you to honor your unborn child with some sort of memorial… One of the hardest parts of losing a child this way is that society doesn’t have a forum for our type of grief… I have donated shoes for each of my children to a traveling memorial for the unborn… There is a National Memorial for the Unborn that you can google and find a way to memorialize your child…You lost your BABY…this grief no different than anyone else’s who loses a child…You DESERVE to be able to be supported as you grieve…

    I bless your LIFE… You ARE a GOOD mother… You WILL see her one day… and she is not mad at you… Your daughter and Your GOD both FORGIVE you and LOVE you!

  8. So difficult to tell, so difficult to write, yet you did it very well. Once in a while, we stumble upon a situation where we have to make very important decisions in our life. And you rendered a decision for yourself. That “guilt” feeling, though hard to part with, should at least stop somewhere. You are only guilty because you thought you did something wrong or you were thinking that your unborn child could have shaped up to a lovely 7 or 8 year-old by now. But we all understand that, that decision does not define who you are. It does not tell us. It tells us rather that you are a good mother, otherwise you have not shared this at all. Thank you for this thought-provoking post.

  9. My heart goes out to you it truly does. To feel you we’re given information that led you to a irreversible life changing decision…..to be told that this is no longer the case leaving you wondering if it ever was the case, if you made the right decision.
    As confused and hurt as you must feel…..you can only react and make choices based on the information before you and given the information you had it was a none choice…..you had another child to think of who you already had sole responsibility for. ‘What ifs are the worst’ but had you gone the other way there could have been a lot more pain to more than just you.
    you are a strong and inspirational women to put something so raw out there. I think your right that you need to let go…..you know you love her and that every choice you ever make as a mother is with your children at the forefront.
    I’m a single mum and that can make life hard enough…but to walk through the jungle of being a single mother with such heavy weight on your shoulders, un-imaginable.
    I’ve been trying for a baby for 4years with my current partner and it is ridiculously heart breaking every month when that time comes, on top of all the other emotional upheaval you feel it can’t be easy,
    Of course you are worthy you have nothing to feel bad about, nothing at all.
    All the best. I hope you find the inner strength to acknowledge you are blameless,you don’t need to forgive yourself, just accept you have done nothing wrong and love yourself again.

    xxxxxxxx

  10. You made your decision with the information you had at the time. You did your best. Please have no regrets. Just look forward. Your blog is beautiful, thank you for sharing.

  11. Pingback: Just a Miracle | OneSuburbanChic

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