My Desire

Well, we are coming to the final few weeks of a splendid break from “trying”.  Our break started in September, just as we planned to start our first round of Natural IVF.  The decision to take a break was not easy, as our (or MY) focus through the year has been on baby.  You name it, we tried it: different positions, every-other-day sex during ovulation, IUI, shots, pills, acupuncture, Chinese herbal tea, deep massage, “relaxing”…… You Name It!  And, no, not even the “break” produced the little miracle we had hoped for!  To tell you the truth, I quietly welcomed the intermission and since then I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on our situation.

Through this blog, I’ve “met” quite a few dears who have been through the in’s and out’s of infertility.  I’ve read about some beautiful miracles as well! But then there are a few of us who know the pain, the heartache, the fear, and the cringes we hold within our being to look happy and keep that persona others knew before our baby-trying days.  And though the new year is just around the corner, I can’t help but be a little hesitant to put myself through that again.

I am on the fence.

Oh, my desire to embrace one little miracle, who might possibly have all of my husband’s wonderful qualities and not have all my crazy quirks.  That desire is as great as it has been.. and if I allow it, even for one bit, it will be as overwhelming as if we never stopped trying.

Where do we go from here?

I have heard that wise person knows how to say “I don’t know”.  I don’t know.  All I can say is I am a Christian… and I hold some verses in my heart.  For others, it may be the desire itself, or the financial capability, etc.  For me, it’s a few stories and words of encouragement from a book written a couple thousand years ago…I can say that this is all I have to hold on to at this point.. and if not for my faith, I would definitely give up!

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6 Comments

  1. Let’s say a fanatic of a Christian wrote to you and said, “God spoke to my heart that you’re going to have a baby.” Okay, what would you do?

    Would you laugh like Sara did after the angels told Abraham about her getting pregnant? Would you get upset and throw every frustrating thing you have tried to get pregnant into the person’s face and walk away hurt and mad at the person? Would you just give them a cold stare? Would you write that person off as a flake?

    Or would you act like a silly child, jumping up and down on Christmas morning, waiting to open your gifts? Would you arise each morning, calling those things that are not as though they were, by saying, “God thank you for my baby”…? Would you start planning the baby’s room, just because you believed the promise? Would you be willing to look like a fool to others?

    Which paragraph is the faith filled one? Why?

    Because that’s the one which will get you your baby, your Samuel. Because God spoke to my heart and told me you were going to have a baby.

  2. My heart cries for you and for my own desires that mirror yours! But I also rejoice that you know the ONE that holds all our desires, longings and pain! Keep trusting in Him! I am learning that He will never disappoint and that His timing is not our own! If ya get a chance read my blog from yesterday on His timing and changes. I know your arms yearn for a little one to hold but until that time rest in His capable arms of mercy, love and grace!

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