Emotions and Regrets

It has been a whirlwind of emotion, beginning last week…

My eldest son graduated High School.  He had his 18th birthday last summer so the “empty nest” syndrome started kicking in last year, but it really hit me last year.

His graduation.

I just can’t believe it.  Last week, I started preparing a slide show to be played during his graduation party.  I was up until about 3am -4am every morning going through pictures of him…. Memories.  Some nights I would just cry myself to sleep thinking about all the memories we have had together.  Sheesh, he is just graduating!  He’s not even moving out (going to a local college)…. But, it was just incredible.  Not only was I looking through pictures of my first born, I was seeing how I grew up WITH him.  I had him at 18 and now my baby is 18!  I don’t think any parent could easily say they have “no regrets”… because I sure do.  I was 18 when I had him… Like I said, I was growing up: I had my “clubbing days”, my “I am just SO tired of being single” days, my “I want to be as good as the other moms” days, my “but…. How???” days.  And through all of that, my son was patient with me.  As he has grown older, there have been times when he has said “mom, that’s not how it’s done” and I listened to him… Because unbeknownst to me, he appointed himself as the man of our house at an early age.

My family flew in from across the country to celebrate with us.  They spent the week with us and it was amazing!  But, my 1-year-old baby was napping as we dropped them off at the airport.  When he woke up, he cried for my sister and I couldn’t help but flash back to the days my older boys cried when family had to fly back home… or when we had to fly home from a visit.  My heart is so sad because of this.  Why do I have to live so far away from my family?  The people who truly care of me and my children.  I tried, oh yes, I tried to move back a few times but there was always a reason to stay.  A job, a house… now being married.  I seem to have signed up for a lifetime of separation from my home… Regrets….

How do you get past your regrets?  I don’t believe anyone (with children) can truly say they have no regrets… can they?  Some decisions I have made affect them.. and there’s nothing they can do about it because they depend on me.  That’s where I’m at today.  I’m not alone, am I?