Like most of the other posts lately, I’ve been writing more for my own sanity… I’m sorry to anyone who comes across this and might judge me for these posts. I also decide to keep them public, because they are pretty raw emotions I am going through. Sometimes truth is harder to admit than holding it in. And many times, someone can relate. I have been the recipient of many transparent posts. Feeling like I can relate to someone in this most intimate form, is a little freeing to me. So, I hope this is for my readers.
Well, the past 3 months I have done a lot of crying. I have had several health issues, setbacks, multiple hurdles, and multiple let-downs. I was diagnosed with epilepsy, the lupus came back, the sjogrens started acting up. Right away, they put me on medication…. 17 pills! Going from 1 supplement a day to SEVENTEEN pills a day… why? And the funny thing, they help. But why? Why does it take so much to relieve all my symptoms?
And something that I’ve taken for granted, being able to drive (essentially, freedom) was stripped from me. And every time I start to feel like the seizures subside… that churning feeling in my head starts, something feels like it’s clawing at my neck, I lose power, I forget things.. and then my opportunity to drive is pushed back, yet another 6 months. This is what I would call a “first world problem” why would someone like me complain about this?? I mean there are so many people who have never driven, who don’t have cars.. depend on public transportation. Why should I even complain? How can I put this in words… when I raised my boys as a single-mother, I took great pride in being an independent woman. I am strong. I am bold. I can do what needs to be done for my boys. I can make decisions.
But now, I am completely, sometimes entirely dependent on other people for the necessities:
Food? Well, there’s delivery services, which charge delivery fees and tips.
Commute to Work? Well, I have to wake up my son who works a night shift and comes home at 2am, to get back up turn around and take me to work at 8am.
Shopping? Shipping fees.
Ok… but then there’s my baby. just a simple trip to the park or the Science Center.. how do we get there? Well, there’s Uber right? Nope. Cause we would need the toddler car seat and when we get there, what do I do with that seat? Do I carry it wherever we go? There aren’t even strollers that allow you to attach a Convertible seat to the stroller! Of course there are travel systems for infants… but what about toddlers?? ***vent over***
On top of that, my husband moved out. We’re separated. Another post for another day. But, he’s moved on…. and there’s really no turning back there.
So, now I’m back to being a single mother… but this time, I’m no longer an independent woman. I’m dependent… on everyone around me and it’s the most humbling status to be in. I’m like a child, waiting to see who can take me out of the house today? Sometimes I sit in this house All day… sometimes alone with my thoughts… dealing with my illnesses: epilepsy, lupus, and sjogrens… dependent on medicine, dependent on my grown children to drive me places. trying to be strong for the little one who has no idea what mommy is going through. I just keep thinking.. how much longer until it gets back to normal? How much longer until I can breathe again?
It feels like I’m deteriorating. I’m becoming a shell of the person I was. I once heard that we have guardian angels. I hear that when we put our faith in God, He will care for us. But, where are they?? I feel completely alone.