2nd Time Around

Like most of the other posts lately, I’ve been writing more for my own sanity… I’m sorry to anyone who comes across this and might judge me for these posts.  I also decide to keep them public, because they are pretty raw emotions I am going through.  Sometimes truth is harder to admit than holding it in.  And many times, someone can relate.  I have been the recipient of many transparent posts.  Feeling like I can relate to someone in this most intimate form, is a little freeing to me.  So, I hope this is for my readers.

Well, the past 3 months I have done a lot of crying.  I have had several health issues, setbacks, multiple hurdles, and multiple let-downs.  I was diagnosed with epilepsy, the lupus came back, the sjogrens started acting up.  Right away, they put me on medication…. 17 pills!  Going from 1 supplement a day to SEVENTEEN pills a day… why?  And the funny thing, they help.  But why?  Why does it take so much to relieve all my symptoms?

And something that I’ve taken for granted, being able to drive (essentially, freedom) was stripped from me.  And every time I start to feel like the seizures subside… that churning feeling in my head starts, something feels like it’s clawing at my neck, I lose power, I forget things.. and then my opportunity to drive is pushed back, yet another 6 months.  This is what I would call a “first world problem”  why would someone like me complain about this?? I mean there are so many people who have never driven, who don’t have cars.. depend on public transportation.  Why should I even complain?  How can I put this in words… when I raised my boys as a single-mother, I took great pride in being an independent woman.  I am strong. I am bold.  I can do what needs to be done for my boys.  I can make decisions.

But now, I am completely, sometimes entirely dependent on other people for the necessities:

Food? Well, there’s delivery services, which charge delivery fees and tips.

Commute to Work?  Well, I have to wake up my son who works a night shift and comes home at 2am, to get back up turn around and take me to work at 8am.

Shopping?  Shipping fees.

Ok… but then there’s my baby.  just a simple trip to the park or the Science Center.. how do we get there?  Well, there’s Uber right?  Nope.  Cause we would need the toddler car seat and when we get there, what do I do with that seat?  Do I carry it wherever we go?  There aren’t even strollers that allow you to attach a Convertible seat to the stroller!  Of course there are travel systems for infants… but what about toddlers?? ***vent over***

On top of that, my husband moved out.  We’re separated.  Another post for another day.  But, he’s moved on…. and there’s really no turning back there.

So, now I’m back to being a single mother… but this time, I’m no longer an independent woman.  I’m dependent… on everyone around me and it’s the most humbling status to be in.  I’m like a child, waiting to see who can take me out of the house today?  Sometimes I sit in this house All day… sometimes alone with my thoughts… dealing with my illnesses: epilepsy, lupus, and sjogrens… dependent on medicine, dependent on my grown children to drive me places.  trying to be strong for the little one who has no idea what mommy is going through.  I just keep thinking.. how much longer until it gets back to normal?  How much longer until I can breathe again?

It feels like I’m deteriorating.  I’m becoming a shell of the person I was.  I once heard that we have guardian angels.  I hear that when we put our faith in God, He will care for us.  But, where are they?? I feel completely alone.

 

Advertisements

Marriage

I always see posts about people marrying their best friend. “Happy Birthday to my BFF” or “Happy Anniversary to my Best friend” something I seethingly loathe out of jealousy and sometimes out of regret. I didn’t marry my best friend. I wish I could have. I wished he could have been. But he made it very clear from day 1 of our dating relationship that he already had a female best friend. We went to pre-marital counseling and I thought I made it clear that I would not compete.  Which he obliged. Then a year into our marriage, I found out he secretly created an email account just to stay in touch with her and called her from his office number. It’s now been years since the incident. I’m supposed to trust him, but I am not sure that feeling of self-doubt (am I ever good enough, did he just settle for me) will ever go away.  He did, however, give me one of the greatest gifts of all, my youngest son.. Whom is one of my 3 best friends.. The other 2 being my older sons. But, I don’t think he could ever give me what I yearn for.. That title, not wife, but Best Friend.

It’s been a while

I can’t tell how many times I’ve thought, “I need to write this down.”  or “I need to share this.”  And, before I knew it, months have passed.  I just wanted to update you, or my blog… whomever reads this…

A quick recap, I started this blog not really knowing what I wanted to do with it.  I had 2 teenage boys and a terrible case of pre-empty-nest syndrome.  My, then, new husband and I were TTC (3 years) and finally went through IVF.  We were blessed with a beautiful baby boy.  Not without some complications, but praise be to God that he (we) came out of it healthy and we were all happy.  However, a good friend of mine passed away, then my very best friend passed away.  I am not sure if I went through Postpartum syndrome or just going through the normal grieving process but the past year was incredibly difficult for me.  Nevertheless, our family has been doing well and our baby has been growing.  Here are a few pics 🙂

Josiah Home from Hospital

Coming Home from the Hospital

Josiah 1 Month

1 Month

Josiah 3 or 4 months

3 Months at Daycare

Josiah 7 Months

At the Park 7 Months

Josiah Crying 11 Months

11 Months… yep, this is a Fake Cry, folks… LOL 

Josiah 1st Birthday

1st Birthday!

Josiah Bubble 1 Yr 4 Months

1 Yr 4 Months!

Right now (1 Year 4 Months) our baby boy can say Momma (I’m claiming this as his first word), Dada, Hi, Bye, Banana, Waffle, Josh (brother), Shoes, Ball (his favorite)… and more! He LOVES basketball.  We’re a football-loving family so we’re trying to figure out where he gets his love of basketball from. But, I kid you not, he will stop & drop everything when a basketball game is on TV.. even if we are at a restaurant and the TV is far away.

Other than loving our baby boy… my biggest baby boy is getting ready to graduate high school next month.  I can’t believe it.  I just can’t believe my boy will be out of high school.  I thought for sure my empty nest syndrome would come out full force by now… but I suppose it will truly hit me after graduation.  I expect tears to be flowing like crazy in a few weeks!

Chris Prom

A pic of my eldest before Prom

Loss

It’s been so long since I’ve written.  And I’ve wanted to write often, but kept getting distracted.  I’m particular about the way I write.  Proof-reading several times until it’s just the way I like it.  But today I feel like I just have to write…. so forgive me, in advance, for any grammatical or formatting errors.

I lost my best friend.

A couple months ago, I lost her.  She passed last month, but she was in the hospital for about a month before that.  It came all of a sudden, she just gave birth to a baby boy.  We were so excited about raising our little ones together.  They were going to be as close as we were.  She lived in another state, but were only an 8-hr drive away (1-hr plane ride).

Then, one night, I had this terrible dream.  It was just me calling her – everyday.  Picking up the phone, saying hello, then hanging up. I didn’t know why… but the next day, her fiance called me and said she had cancer. I felt like this…. “Ok. she has cancer, it can be beat. I’ll see her soon and we’ll get through it” Then everyday, I stayed in touch her fiance. Waiting patiently… then texting her everyday… “I love you” “I love you”… By then, she was not coherent. The cancer spread so rapidly.

I’m just writing the air today…. wishing she could read this.. I miss her SO much. And I’m SO angry and sad, confused, lonely, heartbroken. I can’t cry… it’s been over a month.. I want to scream like a little child with a tantrum, “give me back my friend!!!!!!!!!!” But I can’t. I want to send this post, write her a letter, email, text her and just pretend it didn’t happen. I want to be OK with just waiting the rest of my life for her to respond… instead of telling myself she can’t.  I want to tape record my brain – remembering how she sings my name…  but there isn’t technology made for that, yet… right?

Then there’s her little baby. And I worry for him. Because I’m afraid he won’t be raised to remember his mommy.  For reasons I can’t type out…. I’m SO angry about this. My friend was SO full of character and LIFE, her baby needs to know this.

This is all I can write for now. I have to go pick up my baby from daycare.

9 Weeks (1st Trimester)

It’s been a few weeks since my last update.  I’m currently 8 weeks 6 days along with this prgnancy.  I’m so thankful to say I have graduated from my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) who has officially passed me along to an OBGYN!

So, here’s what’s happened after my Big Scare… I was on bed rest for a week, restricted to carrying less than 5 lbs (if anything at all), & pelvic rest.  Let me tell you about bed rest.  It is not the vacation it sounds like it should be!  The first day was fantastic: TV remote in hand, various snacks at bedside, comfy pillows behind my neck.  Second day was OK but, by third day, I had so much energy in me I wanted to get up and run around, but I couldn’t.  Here’s a pic of my belly at 7 wks:

ImageAfter the week of bed rest was over, I was still restricted to light activity, no heavy lifting, and pelvic rest…. my first day out of the house was a major experience. I cried and shook.  I was in so much fear that I would start bleeding again. But, little by little, I made it through the day.  Last Friday was my follow-up appointment.  Again, a nervous wreck, I sat there praying there would be a little bean in there.

Thankfully, we did see a growing, moving, lovely little one in there with a good strong heartbeat:

So last week was my first OBGYN appointment. It was kind of a funny feeling leaving my RE’s office because I’ve been seeing her faithfully for 3 years.  I felt like a lost puppy at my first OBGYN appt.  It’s a different office, different people…. everyone was nice.  They must have sensed my fear because I left there with so much information in hand. I was hoping for an ultrasound/update on the blood clot (Subchorionic Hemorrhage) that cause all the bleeding weeks ago. But I won’t have answers until my 12 week appointment. Guess I need to put a little trust in my new OBGYN that everything will be ok 🙂

So there’s my update. I hope for an uneventful next couple weeks until my next appointment!

1st Trimester (4 1/2 wks) Symptoms

2 More Weeks Till Our First Sonogram

Boy, oh boy (or girl), am I excited!

Until then, I thought I’d share what we’ve been doing with our time.  Well…. here is me counting days AFTER our 2nd Beta

1. Heavy feeling in lower abdomen.  A little pulling sensation on the right side. Found a coupon and bought an outfit… yep, shopping already

2. A bit tired, very thirsty. Went to Goodwill and picked up 2 pregnancy books, one for daddy and one for me = $2

3. Notice I’m drinking a lot of water, heavy feeling in lower abdomen. Bought 2 Dollar-Store pregnancy tests – for kicks 😉

4. Sleeping like a baby at night. Heavy feeling, boobs a bit sore. Took another test (they’re starting to pile up)

5. Gassy, sore boobs. Heavy feeling & cramping are pretty much gone… am I still pregnant??  Took another test: BFP

6. Irritated, gassy, sore boobs. Bought myself 2 bottles of Tums, carry one in my purse at all times.

7. Woke up super early with lots of energy so I cleaned the house. Wore myself out around 9am.

8. Food doesn’t taste the same?? Isn’t it too early for this?  When I take off my bra, it’s like a load just plops down on me (can’t think of another way to say it).

9. Boobs hurt like Never Before! Agh! Sleepy and very thirsty.

10.Not super-nauseous, but finding that foods I usually like don’t agree with my tastebuds. I finally downloaded a pregnancy app… I recommend the one from “The Baby Center” (also tried, the What to Expect app, and prefer the website)

 

 

Stress (IVF)

Today is 3dp5dt (3 Days Past 5 Day Transfer – to further detail, we transferred (2) previously-frozen 5-day-old embryos into my uterus 3 days ago).  Phew…. my oh my, how the TTC (Trying To Conceive) World can be so complicated!

The first couple days I tried to stay as low-key as possible, laying in bed most of the day on Thursday (Day of Transfer)

The second day, my son and I went to the grocery store to pick up some snacks and Redbox movies.  I took advantage of the motorized shopping cart.. you know, the little cart that you can ride in?  Positives: Got me around the store without much effort & that baby can make a sharp U-ey at any given time!  Negatives: You must tolerate the VERY loud beeping noise when reversing & it is really super slow.

Yesterday, my son had an event we committed to months ago which was 45 minutes away, so I drove him there.  Spent some time sitting at the mall, thinking I’d have to turn around and get him but ended up going back home to lay in bed.

Anyway, here are my symptoms, yesterday I had major cramping like I was about to have my period… stat!  The cramping went all through the front of my lower abdomen to my lower back.  This morning, I just felt “blahh” like I might have a cold, and I am IRRITATED with everyone.  Which leads me to the topic of my post… Stress.

Little did we know how much stress-level comes into play upon post-transfer.  After all, our doctor looked my husband in the eye during our pre-op appointment and said, “she is not to lift a finger” & “treat her like a princess”  But, since Thursday it has been nothing but easy asking him so much as to give me a glass of water.  He sighs and complains, and argues when I get up to do it myself.  Yet, it wouldn’t happen if I waited.  So, the stress level is HIGH. Super-High – especially having to drive my son to his event without any offer from my husband – and his refusal to come along, when asked. 

So, HOW do I remain stress-free?  These 5 days post-transfer are truly critical to the success of this transfer and I am hitting walls in getting the support I need. 

This isn’t a question of if he wants the baby…. I know he does.  After all, last year, I absolutely resolved to the idea that we wouldn’t have children.  But he pushed and talked so much about it that I gave in and asked him to look me in the eye and tell me if he wanted to go through the IVF process.  Well, you know the answer (because I am here today).  But, the past few days he has been nothing but distant and unsupportive.

Well, 9 more days till test day.  Hoping it will get better, but in the meantime, I’ll try find ways to stay stress-free on my own.