2nd Time Around

Like most of the other posts lately, I’ve been writing more for my own sanity… I’m sorry to anyone who comes across this and might judge me for these posts.  I also decide to keep them public, because they are pretty raw emotions I am going through.  Sometimes truth is harder to admit than holding it in.  And many times, someone can relate.  I have been the recipient of many transparent posts.  Feeling like I can relate to someone in this most intimate form, is a little freeing to me.  So, I hope this is for my readers.

Well, the past 3 months I have done a lot of crying.  I have had several health issues, setbacks, multiple hurdles, and multiple let-downs.  I was diagnosed with epilepsy, the lupus came back, the sjogrens started acting up.  Right away, they put me on medication…. 17 pills!  Going from 1 supplement a day to SEVENTEEN pills a day… why?  And the funny thing, they help.  But why?  Why does it take so much to relieve all my symptoms?

And something that I’ve taken for granted, being able to drive (essentially, freedom) was stripped from me.  And every time I start to feel like the seizures subside… that churning feeling in my head starts, something feels like it’s clawing at my neck, I lose power, I forget things.. and then my opportunity to drive is pushed back, yet another 6 months.  This is what I would call a “first world problem”  why would someone like me complain about this?? I mean there are so many people who have never driven, who don’t have cars.. depend on public transportation.  Why should I even complain?  How can I put this in words… when I raised my boys as a single-mother, I took great pride in being an independent woman.  I am strong. I am bold.  I can do what needs to be done for my boys.  I can make decisions.

But now, I am completely, sometimes entirely dependent on other people for the necessities:

Food? Well, there’s delivery services, which charge delivery fees and tips.

Commute to Work?  Well, I have to wake up my son who works a night shift and comes home at 2am, to get back up turn around and take me to work at 8am.

Shopping?  Shipping fees.

Ok… but then there’s my baby.  just a simple trip to the park or the Science Center.. how do we get there?  Well, there’s Uber right?  Nope.  Cause we would need the toddler car seat and when we get there, what do I do with that seat?  Do I carry it wherever we go?  There aren’t even strollers that allow you to attach a Convertible seat to the stroller!  Of course there are travel systems for infants… but what about toddlers?? ***vent over***

On top of that, my husband moved out.  We’re separated.  Another post for another day.  But, he’s moved on…. and there’s really no turning back there.

So, now I’m back to being a single mother… but this time, I’m no longer an independent woman.  I’m dependent… on everyone around me and it’s the most humbling status to be in.  I’m like a child, waiting to see who can take me out of the house today?  Sometimes I sit in this house All day… sometimes alone with my thoughts… dealing with my illnesses: epilepsy, lupus, and sjogrens… dependent on medicine, dependent on my grown children to drive me places.  trying to be strong for the little one who has no idea what mommy is going through.  I just keep thinking.. how much longer until it gets back to normal?  How much longer until I can breathe again?

It feels like I’m deteriorating.  I’m becoming a shell of the person I was.  I once heard that we have guardian angels.  I hear that when we put our faith in God, He will care for us.  But, where are they?? I feel completely alone.

 

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Holiday Blahs

It’s been a while since I’ve posted…. I’ve truly neglected my blog.  But a lot has happened over the past year – some I just can’t begin to writhe about…. yes, I meant “writhe“…. others I would love to share (and I will make sure to update my Empty Nester’s Bucket List).

So, as far as the good stuff:

Over the summer we took a road trip to New Orleans. It was awesome, fun & exhausting… I MUST write about it before the year ends!

I got promoted in my job! Something I’ve wanted, but didn’t know how to do…

Started a Mary Kay business. Phew, owning a business is Hard Work but surely has it’s rewards!

As far as the writhing, here’s a brief synopsis:

No buns in the oven yet.

Lot’s of difficulties in our marriage – can I call it the Terrible Two’s?

And, ’tis the season for the Holiday Blahs…..

I know for sure I’m not the only one who experiences holiday blues.  And everyone has their own reason why…. this is my reason.  Not sure if I’ve written before that I moved across the country at the age of 19.  With my (ex)-husband, and 2 babies.  But, let me just go back in some history – after all, this is my blog, and I’ve committed to be entirely transparent in my writing. When I was about 6 or 7, I was in love with my Dad.  As any youngest daughter, I was completely fascinated with my dad, I wanted to be an engineer like him, “we” had a song (“It Might Be You” from Tootsie), “we” had a favorite restaurant (Arby’s)..the list goes on.  I was truly a Daddy’s Girl.  And to this day I can still remember as vividly as it was yesterday, my dad bringing me to the Seattle Center to walk around and pick up fall leaves… we put the leaves in a photo album (the kind where you peel off the top layer of plastic, then place the photos on the sticky side of the page).. that dreaded day.. my Daddy told me he was moving away and I was not going with him.  My parents were not getting divorced. And looking back, I’ve wondered if it was just the times that kept them together. The word “divorce” was still taboo. But, all I knew was that my Daddy was moving away. I recall the night my dad left, I ran under the kitchen table and cried my eyes out and my mom yelled at me to stop crying. It was the hardest time of my life. Months passed and the times my dad came home were for maybe an evening and I didn’t get to see him.  He spent the time with my mom..then left early the next morning. Not sure how long my dad was gone (2, 3, 4, 5 years??) Not sure… but it seemed like an eternity but he came back… and then he left again… and then he came back. My mom tried her best to take care of my sisters and me.  But I didn’t know any better, she wasn’t very affectionate, so I looked to my friends to “get away” from the home I loathed so much.  By then – my teenage years – I grew to push people away. Especially my dad.  And especially the people I loved the most.

A couple years after I graduated high school, my (ex) husband and I decided to move across the country. At that time, I was done with Seattle.  My family back home meant nothing to me… as I thought I meant nothing to them.  But, now, 15 years later, they mean everything to me… and I still mean nothing to them. I call, text, email, connect on Facebook.  But get little response. I try to send gifts, but get little response.  What I have done and said to push my family away …worked.  So, the holidays are the hardest for me.  It starts with my mom, nephew, & sisters’ birthdays all wrapped up into the fall season.  Then as the holidays roll around, I get to see pictures of their get-togethers and family events posted online.

While I get to enjoy my own family of 4, it is most difficult to get into the holiday spirit… Outwardly, I decorate the house, cook the big meals, take lots of pictures.. but inwardly, I want to sleep the winter away…  I pray to God who mends all broken people to heal me and my relationship with my family.

If you, too, have the holiday blues.. I pray that you find those who love you and hold them close.. and if you find no one – seek them.  Seek a church, a network of people, a meetup group, get connected.. WE will get through this..